The Biggest Regret
by BonesBird
Summary: Erika Hernandez is reminded of what happened the last time one of her friends went climbing without a partner, and she's certain she'll never let it happen again. Set during "Home". SassCaptains


**Now. My lovely best friend Icka, aka PinkAngel17, decided to do something mean in the early hours of this morning... and she put this little plotbunny in my head. It's set between the "Briefing" and "Retreat" scenes in the episode "Home". References the events of "First Flight"**

**Shin xx**

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><p>She had come straight home and started packing her bag. Forrest had told her exactly where Jonathan was going, and she could easily get there with time to spare. She had a friend willing to take her out there, and she could easily keep up with him climbing. She was halfway through packing when there was a scrape at the door and Veronica came through the door. Immediately her best friend knew what she was doing. "You're going after him?"<p>

"Of course I am." That had never been a question. The minute she knew he was leaving she was going to follow him. She couldn't leave him alone, not when he was this broken. She'd been worried by what they'd spoken about in the bar, and downright concerned when she'd seen how he'd acted in the briefing. She couldn't leave him like that.

It was obvious that Veronica was as concerned about her as she was about Jonathan. She knew everything that had happened before, and she knew all of Erika's sadness and pain about it. "Erika." She tried to push, checking that Erika knew what she was doing.

"I'm not letting it happen again, Ron." There was no need for her to specify what she was talking about. They both knew she was talking about AG, and they both knew that his death had haunted her ever since.

"It wasn't your fault." Was the lame reply that Veronica could give, and it just made Erika feel more ridiculous. How could anyone try and say it wasn't her fault. If she'd been there AG wouldn't have been alone, and then he probably wouldn't have fallen. It was her fault, almost as surely as if she'd pushed him herself.

"I was supposed to be there." They hadn't initially planned to go together, but then she'd gotten some unexpected leave time. She had thought he'd gone with some of their friends, apparently something there had changed too. "He called me and said he'd meet me there. I was an hour late, and by the time I got there he'd already fallen. If I was there earlier-" She'd found him, other climbers around him waiting for paramedics. If she'd been a little faster, gotten there before. He'd still be here.

Veronica shook her head, clearly not buying what Erika was saying. It was true though. He knew that. "Erika, you can't know that. The doctors all said he died instantly." His injuries had been extensive. She had seen that for herself, a sight that still haunted her in the night.

"I could have stopped him falling." She was sure of that. She could have saved him, made sure that he'd been safe. She would probably never completely get over what had happened that day, and how close she'd been. Nobody else blamed her, just herself.

"It's been a year, EH. How long are you going to feel guilty about that?" Veronica asked, and the problem was that Erika had to admit-It was a valid question. She was probably never going to stop being guilty about it. That was the worst part of this situation. She couldn't seem to stop herself.

"The rest of my life, probably." Through everything, all the issues, she made a deal with herself. No matter how bad things got, she wasn't going to let Jon fall the same way she had AG. "There is no way I am going to let the same happen to Jon."

"You know, you call him Jon when we're talking about him, but you almost always call him Jonathan when you're talking to him." Veronica delivered that as if it was some penetrating psychological insight into her, but really, what did her choice of name matter.

Another question was how did she know that. There was no way she could have just picked that up from their short conversations. It didn't make sense that way. "So what? How do you even know that?"

"I basically lived on your sofa and I listened to you talk." Well, that would explain a lot of it, but certainly not all of it, probably not even most of it. "It's an interesting brain thing, isn't it. You were also the only person I ever knew called AG 'Andrew'. Nobody did it."

So, she called Jon 'Jonathan' and AG 'Andrew'. She still wasn't sure she was following the point that Veronica was making. They were their names, she wasn't doing anything unusual with that. "I still don't see your point."

"You have always treated those two differently, for very different reasons. AG was another brother for you, and I think we all knew how you felt about Jon." Veronica said patiently, and she was right on both accounts. They were her boys, and she had always treated them that way. "But you weren't to blame for AG's death, and you're not responsible for Jon's bad decisions." She disagreed with Veronica on the first point, but maybe she wasn't responsible for Jon's decisions, but she could help him.

"I can reach him, Ronnie. I know I can." There was a reason Forrest had told her. He knew she could reach Jon too, and she could make sure that nothing would happen to him. She could ensure that he was safe, something she wished she had done for AG. "I can't let him down the way I let AG down. I just can't do it."

"You still love him, don't you?" Veronica asked, and that was the first thing to stop her packing her bag.

She had loved him for almost 14 years, since they'd met. Maybe not so instantly, but she'd fallen for him quickly, and despite the years since they went their separate ways she never stopped loving him. That wasn't why she needed to do this. She needed to do this because he needed a friend. "I never stopped, but that's not relevant. I'm going because he needs a friend, and he needs someone to help him."

"Be careful, OK. Give Jon my best."

"I will." She pulled the bag higher on her back and smiled as Veronica passed her fit to go. She knew that she needed to go, because her friend needed her, and she couldn't let another friend down. This was her penance, and she could make her last mistake up to the world. If only she could help Jon, then maybe the guilt would be less.


End file.
